Do you turn up the volume or turn it down with your partner?
Did you know that couples over time fall into recognisable patterns or ‘dances’ which reflect the underlying emotional distress of disconnection from one another? Do you turn up the volume or turn it down with your partner?
When couples are not able to talk about or recognise underlying emotions and messages, they can get stuck in familiar patterns of engaging. Attempts at connection can take on the same old pattern, without anyone noticing the underlying tune, or the emotional message in the pattern. No matter the actual content of the discussion or argument, the ‘tune’ can often sound familiar!
When worn-out Susan feels unheard or unappreciated, she really begins to ‘turn up the volume’ with her partner Stu. She will accuse him of caring more about fishing than her, she will even follow him around the house with critical and increasingly upset demands for his attention.
Stu well recognises this conversation! He experiences a barrage from Susan and he begins to ‘turn down’ the volume by giving short, clipped answers and avoiding eye contact with her, hoping not to make matters worse. As Susan becomes more insistent, Stu becomes more stoic and withdrawn. Finally, he hightails it off to the garage to tie some fishing gear ready for tomorrow’s trip and she noisily begins banging pots around and making dinner.
Are you the one who ‘turns up the volume’ or ‘turns it down’ when you are feeling misunderstood by, or disconnected from your partner?
We all have our natural default positions. Learning to understand and read the emotional needs behind angry protests or silence is an important part of being able to be available for one another. This helps to break the pattern and ‘change the tune’ so that partners can experience a warm, safe bond.
If you want to know more about reviving your tired relationship, or repairing a failing one; try one of our weekend workshops for couples! Info here: www.emotionallyfocusedtherapy.co.nz
When couples are not able to talk about or recognise underlying emotions and messages, they can get stuck in familiar patterns of engaging. Attempts at connection can take on the same old pattern, without anyone noticing the underlying tune, or the emotional message in the pattern. No matter the actual content of the discussion or argument, the ‘tune’ can often sound familiar!
When worn-out Susan feels unheard or unappreciated, she really begins to ‘turn up the volume’ with her partner Stu. She will accuse him of caring more about fishing than her, she will even follow him around the house with critical and increasingly upset demands for his attention.
Stu well recognises this conversation! He experiences a barrage from Susan and he begins to ‘turn down’ the volume by giving short, clipped answers and avoiding eye contact with her, hoping not to make matters worse. As Susan becomes more insistent, Stu becomes more stoic and withdrawn. Finally, he hightails it off to the garage to tie some fishing gear ready for tomorrow’s trip and she noisily begins banging pots around and making dinner.
Are you the one who ‘turns up the volume’ or ‘turns it down’ when you are feeling misunderstood by, or disconnected from your partner?
We all have our natural default positions. Learning to understand and read the emotional needs behind angry protests or silence is an important part of being able to be available for one another. This helps to break the pattern and ‘change the tune’ so that partners can experience a warm, safe bond.
If you want to know more about reviving your tired relationship, or repairing a failing one; try one of our weekend workshops for couples! Info here: www.emotionallyfocusedtherapy.co.nz
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