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If your relationship is in trouble do not be ashamed to ask for help early 

13/1/2017

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According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help.
 
Times have changed.  Couples are under more stress than ever before. This is often due to our busy lifestyles. Before you call the divorce lawyer, you might consider asking for help.
 
A trained Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) can help you when you are stuck.
 
Many people feel ashamed or uncertain about what initial contact or first sessions might look like, so here’s what to expect…
 
In my couples therapy practice I have a tried and true recipe for starting out with a new couple.  The first four sessions are about seeing where you are at on the relationship map, and together setting an intention as a couple. At this stage there is no focus on the outcome and no pressure.
 
The first session is about seeing if we are a good match to work together. We talk about where you are on the relationship map and where you have gotten “stuck” as a couple. Couples often feel relieved after this first session because they realise that this is normal for many couples.  The EFT model also provides a possible way forward.
 
The second session is with one of you; and session three is an individual session with the other. This helps me to understand how to work with you. We look at it what you learned about relationships in your early life and we also clarify what stressors are affecting your relationship now.  
 
In the fourth session we meet together and I give you some reflective feedback about what I have heard and seen. (If there are issues such as drug or alcohol abuse or current affairs we talk about what needs to happen first in order for us to be safe to commence the couples work). You decide as a couple whether you want to return and what you want to work on changing. 
 
It is best to see your relationship as my client, rather than two individual people. This helps clients to feel fairly treated and like I am on their side as a team. I do not coach, mediate or judge! Instead we look at the negative patterns which have become established.  We then work to create new patterns which strengthen  the emotional bond. This makes the relationship happier and more stable.
 
I am often humbled and hugely appreciative of the hard work and the gains which couples achieve. There is nothing like coming from disconnection to reconnection and knowing that you are safe to work through whatever life challenges you with - together.
 
You can contact Yve at www.yvegould.co.nz or on Facebook at Yve Gould Therapist;  or www.emotionallyfocusedtherapy.co.nz for ‘Conversations for Connection’ weekend workshop for couples.
Supplied by Yve Gould, Couples’ Therapist, Psychotherapist

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Being Present is a Great Present!

14/12/2015

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YOU are the package!  You can be more present for your partner this silly, busy season…
  • Touch base  - spend five minutes – sitting down, looking at one another, to talk about plans
  • Eye contact is amazing!! If you often talk on the run or while you are doing something – turn to face your partner and engage your  eyes and establish the connection first
  • Show appreciation – the list of jobs not done is endless, so notice what is happening and praise
  • Be on the same team  - what keeps us close is that felt sense that we are on the same team, have got each other’s backs and will turn up for one another if needed! Be helpful
  • Listen - never underestimate the power of listening without fixing
  • Smile to show you care - smiling and nodding show you care though your facial expressions
  • Offer some reassuring words: “I understand.  Hang in there. We’ll be o.k.” or “I’ve got you!”
A relationship is an attachment bond and secure attachment is dependent on more than what you unwrapped under the tree on Christmas morning. 
Wrap yourself up this Christmas – being present IS the best present!!

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The Power of Reconnecting

7/8/2015

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_ Turning back towards one another is a powerful thing.... 

_Denise and Stu have been together for over twelve years.  Stu has been prone to bouts of depression and Denise has recently lost her father.  Their pattern has been for Stu to get angry and frustrated and to shout at Denise.  In response, Denise has learned to withdraw and hide her emotions away.  Over time, she has found herself ‘stonewalling’ Stu and ceasing to respond to him at an emotional level. 

Over the last six months, Stu and Denise have been taking a serious look at their relationship and have been working hard to reconnect with one another at a deeper level.  This happened after a scare in which Denise threatened to leave Stu.  She said she felt ‘dead’ in the relationship.  Stu was shocked.  They both decided to fight for the marriage and to begin work with a couples therapist.


Denise said that she had never believed in therapists or counsellors, or that it would be possible for someone to help her and Stu work on their marriage.  They first worked out with the therapist what was the pattern of fighting that kept getting them stuck?  They began to turn down the heat in fights – which made it more likely that they would end up connecting. 

They decided on a new tactic of approach and share.

Stu tells Denise that he needs to know that they will be o.k., despite the row they had last week; and that he is really concerned that she is still angry with him.  He says he is unsure about how she really feels about him and that he sometimes gets angry because of this.  He shares this and asks her to be open with him and, if she can, reassure him that everything is now okay between them.

These new, connected kinds of conversation are an immense relief to Denise, who felt that Stu just didn’t care about her.  Now, instead of avoiding the ‘hot spots’, the two are able to come back and talk and to find one another again.  They now feel like they are ‘fighting the demons’ together and this strengthens the hope for the relationship.  Denise describes what it is like for her when Stu and she reconnect:  “I feel like my body calms down and everything is alright with the world again”.

Based on Love Sense by Dr. Susan Johnson.

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How to get back to one another - recognising patterns

8/7/2014

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Do you turn up the volume or turn it down with your partner?
Did you know that couples over time fall into recognisable patterns or ‘dances’ which reflect the underlying emotional distress of disconnection from one another?  Do you turn up the volume or turn it down with your partner?

When couples are not able to talk about or recognise underlying emotions and messages, they can get stuck in familiar patterns of engaging.  Attempts at connection can take on the same old pattern, without anyone noticing the underlying tune, or the emotional message in the pattern.  No matter the actual content of the discussion or argument, the ‘tune’ can often sound familiar!

When worn-out Susan feels unheard or unappreciated, she really begins to ‘turn up the volume’ with her partner Stu.  She will accuse him of caring more about fishing than her, she will even follow him around the house with critical and increasingly upset demands for his attention.

Stu well recognises this conversation! He experiences a barrage from Susan and he begins to ‘turn down’ the volume by giving short, clipped answers and avoiding eye contact with her, hoping not to make matters worse.  As Susan becomes more insistent, Stu becomes more stoic and withdrawn.  Finally, he hightails it off to the garage to tie some fishing gear ready for tomorrow’s trip and she noisily begins banging pots around and making dinner. 

Are you the one who ‘turns up the volume’ or ‘turns it down’ when you are feeling misunderstood by, or disconnected from your partner? 

We all have our natural default positions.  Learning to understand and read the emotional needs behind angry protests or silence is an important part of being able to be available for one another. This helps to break the pattern and ‘change the tune’ so that partners can experience a warm, safe bond.

If you want to know more about reviving your tired relationship, or repairing a failing one; try one of our weekend workshops for couples!  Info here: www.emotionallyfocusedtherapy.co.nz

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How to Get Back to One Another # 1

24/6/2014

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Did you know that couples in a secure relationship experience less depression and anxiety and increased physical health?  

In ‘the hand holding experiment’, scientists administered a small electric shock to one partner whilst her partner held her hand.  MRI results showed that if you are securely attached in a threat situation, such as receiving a small electric shock, holding your loved one’s hand literally changes how your brain perceives and responds to the threat, and how you perceive the shock.

This is also why disconnections over seemingly small things can cause us to react as if we had been deeply wounded! Our brain craves the safety of a secure partner bond.

All couples fight or find they become distant from one another at times – the secret to a loving, healthy bond is knowing how to reconnect.

If you want to know more about reviving your tired relationship, or repairing a failing one, or you simply want to feel closer and more connected; sign up for our next ‘Conversations for Connection’ workshop!

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    Yve Gould

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